One of my biggest fears used to be simply being alone. When I divorced, I was thrust directly into that fear head first. I worked slowly on my self esteem, confidence, and building trust in myself. I could see where deficits in these areas created fear which kept me from truly living my life and continually led to self doubt. The first time I went to a movie theater alone, I cried. I had been many times with other people without issue but attending alone felt overwhelming. The goal was to keep pushing myself out of my comfort zone and then to reflect on what I’d accomplished. It was clear after a few years I had healed a lot of the issues that used to plague me. Letting go of everything needing to be a certain way and releasing expectations provided a lot of relief along with accepting my own humanity. Today I am perfectly imperfect and can say that I am much more self reliant. I always had the capacity to care for myself and be alone before, but clearing away all the mental debris was key to uncovering it.
My morning ritual to have a cup of hot earl grey tea brings me so much joy. I can bring my senses in to focus on the color of the mug, the warmth it radiates against my palms. I can smell the citrus kick in the tea and feel it warming me from the inside as I drink. I tap my nails against the porcelain, hearing a slight “tink” with each strike.
When hearing familiar songs feels
So foreign, how can I run to a cross
I never really believed in?
How can I be sanctified by blood that runs
As mine does now?
The man that was only human cannot
Save another but only point them to
Wisdom, to learning, to growth.
I find those things in my silent mind
As I feel the wind shroud my skin in a
Breeze that brushes coppery, leathered
Breathing in, I find my peace as I still
Myself standing in front of my own
The birds, my choir.
The squirrels, my clergy.
The butterflies, my angels.
This spirit I knew first and trusted as
A child I have found again.
I see the salvation it offered never left.
What I Bring
How does a heart heal from
Surviving wound after cut,
People only showing up to
Take and not to give?
Why should you, would you
Unwrap the soaked gauze
From the very organ that started
Believing lies it was told
From unhealthy, projecting measures
Others bestowed upon you each day?
Why should you believe that
A person approaches not with the
Intent to press advantage against
You have no reason to trust.
I can only hope you see in me the
Light that says, “I come to offer
Freedom through love. I show up to add
To your joy.
I present a heart vulnerable
Of my own.
I’ll undress my wounds first,
For you to read, tracing
Each finger over the scars
Let my actions speak my truth.
You need not fear the love that
Emerges to exist alongside of yours.”
The stickiness of ciliated tar
Once wrapt round my mind
Doesn’t smack of sweetness like
Honey from the comb.
This viscid inkiness has seeped into the
Sulci leaving its trail of neediness
Wherever it has crept.
Each hair-fine tendril has been
Wrested carefully, cautiously from
Strangled folds revealing truth,
Uncovering authenticity glowing brighter
Than the multitude of stars in the
Yet even that which radiates now
Cannot melt away the residue of what
Once was there.
The shine can overcome it, but not
Without effort, precisely applied.
Holes, an uncertainty
Why does my trauma still
Leave me guessing
When hands have been joined
And time shared?
Each void left via careless
Hands from the past
I must now tend,
To ensure what I’m
Experiencing is real.
Why are those holes
Carved into our hearts
And leading our perception
Down a path that
We didn’t choose?
Things my Hands Made
Do You Hear That?
Joy of my heart ringing bells I didn’t know existed
Chiming out into the distance despite my blushing
It seems like everyone can see what I’m feeling
Shining dust sparkles in a swirl around me, lifting up to the heavens in a chorus that I have never sung before
Daily writing prompt
My wrinkles and my smile!